Compassionate communication or Nonviolent Communication (NVC for short) is a method of communicating that gets at the heart of what is alive in us when we communicate with one another. It is an attempt to deconstruct the domination/submission structure in language and instead create connections of compassion, cooperation, understanding, and respect. It aims to cultivate a connection to ourselves and increase the ability to meet our needs. NVC emphasizes compassion as the motivation in others to comply with our requests, rather than fear, guilt, obligation, or desire for gain. For me it has been a useful tool in addressing issues in politics and my everyday interactions. Also it has been a method to liberate myself from cultural learning that is in conflict with how I want to live my life. This article will explain some of the fundamental ideas behind Nonviolent communication and give you some tools in your tool box for using it. NVC is based on the fundamental principle that we all have the same needs. Where we differ from each other is in our strategies to meet needs. Underlying all human actions are needs that people are seeking to meet, and understanding and acknowledging these needs can create a shared basis for connection and cooperation. For example: we all have the need for intimacy. We choose to meet this need through parties, bars, close friends, sex, etc. These strategies all vary in how direct they are in meeting that need. Some more than others. We can enrich this world by working together to meet our needs in the most direct ways.

Key Intentions when Using NVC These intentions help us contribute to a world where everyone’s needs are attended to. Open-Hearted Living We aim to focus on connecting open-heartedly with everyone’s needs instead of seeking immediate and potentially compromised solutions, especially in challenging situations. We aim to transform our habit of making “right” and “wrong” assessments (moralistic judgements), and to focus instead on whether or not human needs appear met (need-based assessments). Choice, Responsibility We aim to connect our feelings to our own needs, recognizing that others do not have the power to make us feel anything. This recognition empowers us to take action to meet our needs instead of waiting for others to change. We aim to recognize our choice in each moment, and take actions that we believe will most likely meet our needs. We aim to avoid taking actions motivated by external pressure. We aim to work with our feelings when we experience our needs as unmet, connecting with the needs rather than insisting on meeting them. Sharing Power (Partnership) We aim to make requests and not demands, thus staying open to the other’s strategies to meet their needs. We aim to work towards solutions that meet everyone’s needs, not just our own, and not just the other person’s. We aim to use the minimum force necessary in order to protect, not to educate, punish, or get what we want without the other’s agreement.

The NVC model is broken down into four parts:

Observations: Description of what is seen or heard without added interpretations. If referring to what someone said quote as much as possible instead of rephrasing.For example: if we say: “You are uncaring” the other person will disagree. But it we say “you walked away when I was crying” the other person will be able to recognize what action they took that you are referring to.

Feelings: Are clear physical or emotional things that we experience. Our emotions rather than our story or thoughts about what others are doing. For example: “I feel grateful...” describes our inner emotion. Avoid the following phrasing: “I feel like . . . “ and “I feel that…”—the next words will be thoughts, not feelings. Needs: Feelings are caused by needs, which are universal and ongoing and not dependent on the actions of particular individuals. They are our core values and human longings. For example saying: “...I am needing clarity and solitude right now...” when someone comes in and makes lots of noise.

Requests: Asking concretely and clearly for what we want (instead of what we don’t want). By definition, when we make requests we are open to hearing a “no,” taking it as an opportunity for further dialogue. Requests are distinctly different from demands, things that one is asked to do and will be punished for if one does not carry them out. NVC strives to have people ask requests and carry them out not out of a hope for a reward, nor out of fear of punishment. For example, “would you be willing to wash your dish after you eat?”

Empathy: In NVC, we empathize with others by guessing their feelings and needs. Instead of trying to “get it right,” we aim to understand. The observation and request are sometimes dropped. When words are not wanted or are hard to offer, empathy can be offered silently. Self-Empathy: In self-empathy, we listen inwardly to connect with our own feelings and needs. It is that connection which enables us to choose our next step. Expression Empathy (Asking) Observation When I see/hear . . . Observation When you see/hear . . . Feeling I feel . . . Feeling Are you feeling . . . Need Because I need . . . Need Because you need . . . Request Would you be willing…? Request Would you like…?

A lot of people see the NVC model as being the entirety of NVC, and as a result come to a conclusion that NVC is just some kind of stilted formula for how to speak with people. It is for this reason why I consider it to be very important to be mindful of the NVC consciousness, which is the end goal that the NVC model is supposed to aid in achieving. The NVC consciousness is a certain mindset, a certain way that one views and approaches both one’s self and others. This includes staying aware of the four components of the NVC model in one’s dealings with others and with the thought processes that pass through one’s own mind as well. However, unlike the NVC model, the consciousness of NVC is by no means sequential or formulaic, it is an awareness, a focus that one keeps in mind.

Life alienating communication. This is some of the ways in which we are socialized to talk and think that perpetuate an oppressive/disassociated social atmosphere. Domination systems require: Judgement: good/bad, right/wrong Blame - your fault/my fault Labels: S/he is, they are... Deserve: Reward/ Punishment Denial of responsibility You should, I had to, They ought to... No agency: external motives.

Feelings and Needs The following table is an example of words mixed with blame that are often confused with feelings. When these words are used to try to express to someone your feelings/emotions, they do convey a sense of the emotions/feelings at play, but they also imply that someone is doing something to you and generally carry a message of wrongness or blame. For example, if I say “I feel abused” you may hear this as “you abused me.” In contrast, words that express “pure” feelings can’t readily be heard that way: It’s as hard to hear “I feel lonely” as “You lonelied me.” To use this list: when somebody says “I’m feeling rejected,” you might empathically translate this as: “Are you feeling scared because you have a need for inclusion?”

Words mixing feeling & blame Possible Authentic Feeling(s) Possible basic need(s) (not) accepted upset, scared, lonely inclusion, connection, community, belonging, contribution, peer respect, appreciation attacked scared, angry safety blamed angry, scared, confused, antagonistic, hostile, bewildered, hurt Accountability, causality, fairness, justice cheated Resentful, hurt, angry honesty, fairness, justice, trust, reliability coerced angry, frustrated, frightened, scared choice, autonomy, freedom, act freely criticized in pain, scared, anxious, frustrated, humiliated, angry, embarrassed understanding, recognition, accountability, non-judgmental communication misunderstood upset, angry, frustrated to be heard, understanding, clarity unloved sad, bewildered, frustrated love, appreciation, empathy, connection, community

Example conversations:

Andrea: When you do not clean your dishes [observation] I can see how this meets your need for flexibility but I feel sad [feeling] because this prevents my need for cleanliness, organization and functionality[needs] to be satisfied. Would you be willing to talk to me for for a moment about how we can meet both of our needs?[action request] Could you tell me what you understand me to be saying? [connection request]

Tim: If I am hearing you right, you would like me to pay more attention to how I affect this communal space. I would also imagine that you would really like to figure this out so that we can share this space sustainably [empathy] + [guess at underlying intention] I am feeling a bit defensive [feeling] because I need understanding and compassion. [need]

Andrea: Another connection request or action request or What keeps you from doing your dishes after you eat? [Addressing need for understanding] Tim: ... explains ... Andrea: If you cannot clean your dishes after you eat would you be willing to create a space where you can place them away from the rest of the communal area? [Action request]

The best way to understand this stuff is to practice it. They key is to stay connected to our feelings and to the feelings of others. We don’t have to use the word “needs” in order to express them. Some example alternatives would be I desire..., I want... I really enjoy.., etc. When in dialogue we can make requests for connection that aim to reaffirm our intention on staying connected to ourselves and each other. Some examples: A. Requests that support the quality of connection: Would you tell me what you just heard me say? Would you tell me your understanding of my feelings and needs? Would you tell me how you’re feeling about what I just said? B. Requests that support connection towards solution: What do you need in order to say yes to my request. What are you hearing that’s leading you to say no to my request. Would you tell me if there is a way for us to work this out other than my agreeing to your request?

I think we can use NVC to create sustainable social networks--things that affirm life rather than alienate us from each other. This isn’t just some pacifist hippie bullshit. It has the power to drastically change the world we live in by challenging oppressive social systems (even within radical groups) through connecting with what’s alive in us and others.

Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life By Marshall B. Rosenberg, Ph.D. Website: www.cnvc.org